Excerpt from CHOLOS: DREAMS & NIGHTMARES


REST IN PEACE



"REST IN PEACE MY LITTLE ANGEL, ANGELITO. FINALLY, REST IN PEACE. FINALLY, YOU HAVE FOUND YOUR PEACE. FINALLY PEACE, PEACE. BUT AT WHAT COST! WHEN DID IT START? THIS RESTLESSNESS, THIS CRAZINESS, THIS MADNESS.

"IT STARTED OUT AS FUN, HANGING OUT WITH THE HOMEBOYS. LAUGHING, RAPPING, DRINKING BEER, DOING DRUGS. CRUISING, PARTYING, MEETING THE JAINAS. THEN THE GANG BANGING, THE GRAFFITI, PACKING. FIGHTING WITH THE FAMILY. PARENTS DON'T UNDERSTAND. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. THEN THE DRIVE-BYS, THE CLOSE ENCOUNTERS WITH DEATH. FINALLY THE RESTLESSNESS. THE FEELING THAT SOMEONE IS FOLLOWING YOU ALL THE TIME, LOOKING AT YOU, WAITING FOR YOU, HUNTING YOU DOWN...LA MUERTE.

"YOU HAVE TO LOOK OVER BOTH SIDES OF YOUR SHOULDERS CONSTANTLY. YOU DON'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD, IT COULD BE FATAL. WHEN YOU ARE DRIVING YOU NEED TO CONSTANTLY WATCH YOUR REAR VIEW MIRROR, TO SEE IF YOU'RE BEING FOLLOWED. YOU HAVE TO WATCH YOUR BACK. IT COULD HAPPEN IN ONE SECOND... BANG, BANG, BANG!!! YOU'RE DEAD! 'NO! I WON'T GET CAUGHT OFF GUARD,' YOU THINK. 'I WON'T BE LIKE MY HOMEBOY. HE WAS CARELESS. HE WAS STUPID. SE DESCUIDO.

"AND IT FOLLOWS YOU YOUR EVERY WAKING MOMENT. WHEN YOU'RE IN YOUR HOME, WHEN YOU'RE ON THE STREET. WHEN YOU'RE AT A PARTY OR HANGING OUT AT SOMEONE'S HOUSE, THAT CONSTANT FEAR. LIKE YOUR SHADOW, YOU CAN'T GET RID OF IT. IT EVEN FOLLOWS YOU INTO YOUR SLEEP AND YOU WAKE UP WITHOUT FEELING COMPLETELY RESTED. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU. NO ONE CARES FOR YOU. NO ONE LOVES YOU. NOT EVEN GOD.

"THEN ONE NIGHT IN DESPERATION, YOU FALL ON YOUR KNEES. AND YOU PRAY TO GOD, TO GIVE YOU PEACE OR TO TAKE YOUR LIFE. "THE NEXT DAY, YOU GET UP FEELING BETTER. LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO BEAT THIS THING, YOU'RE GOING TO CHANGE. YOU'RE GOING TO STRAIGHTEN OUT YOUR LIFE. YOU'RE TIRED OF LIVING LIKE THIS. YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A BETTER WAY TO LIVE.

"YOU HAVE THAT OLD SPARKLE IN YOUR EYE AGAIN. YOU HUG YOUR MOTHER AND KISS HER, AND TELL HER FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME THAT THIS TIME YOU WILL CHANGE. AND YOU WILL MAKE IT. "YOU START OFF WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE AND LOVE IN YOUR HEART. YOU WALK OUT THE DOOR WITH PEACE IN YOUR MIND.

"THEN BANG, BANG, BANG!!! YOU FALL TO THE GROUND WITH YOUR BULLET-RIDDLED BODY. YOU SMILE... SINCE NOT EVEN THE PAIN OF THE BULLETS, CAN TAKE AWAY YOUR PEACE."

copyright 2001